Douchebags Make My Concert Experience Suck Rocks

"Punker" read to rock in his Dolce and Gabbana glasses - adorable.
"Punker" ready to rock in his Dolce and Gabbana glasses - adorable.

I’m too old to mosh. This realization came to me last night at the Blink 182 concert, simultaneously with the fact that I’m too old to be at a Blink 182 concert, but not as sad as the 52 year old guy in the Iron Maiden tshirt. There was a time in my life where I would have been beyond thrilled to be 2nd row from a band I idolized in high school. But in the midst of being thrown around like a rag doll, having 8 different peoples sweat on me, feeling possibly impregnated and definately violated – 2 songs in I was done, climbed over the fence and headed to the back where I could breathe and actually see the show.  I had a moment where it kind of made me sad, my friend had said, “what if we touched them” and I couldn’t help but think, “who cares” – I don’t see that as any sort of thrill, I like their music – it just wasn’t worth the violent throws, nearly getting kicked in the head by multiple crowd surfers and not being able to see anything through the hoards of cameras in front of my face.

I found myself thinking – am I just an old grump who can’t enjoy anything anymore? At age 25 – shouldn’t I still be able to have that desire to be on the floor of a concert? But it’s become impossible for me to enjoy with the multiple levels of douchebaggery that attend these events. Younger, stupider, and seeming to want to do anything but actually take in the show. And so I will explain myself further with the specific types of people I want to elbow punch ‘accidently’ as they gyrate against me.

#1 – People that bring cameras to concerts. Back in the day, maybe a few people brought cameras to shows, but with the accessibility of cameras on cell phones – I think security quickly decided to say ‘fuck it’. Too hard to control, and have now become more concerned about live recordings than flash photography. It’s not only annoying for the band – it is fucking unbearable for the audience, at least for me. Honestly, I’m a short girl (5’4) and I would have had an awesome view (second row) but I literally counted  7 cameras in my face, people with their arms raised and their finger just holding down for multiple shots – the entire concert. At first I thought it would let up – everyone is just excited for “Fall Out Boy?” ha okay. Pete Wentz has a kid with Ashlee Simpson, and he had a sex tape – I guess he’s worth photographing now.  Here’s a new idea I want everyone to try, instead of bringing a camera to document every ‘cool’ event (like when an artist hurls a beer at the crowd), try something I call ‘living in the fucking moment and then remember’.  If you need 356 photos of a single show to recall it, you are the dude from Momento and cannot create memories. Furthermore, these memories you are capturing are not even accurate. If you watch an entire concert through a lens, not only to you rob yourself of the experiance of  just enjoying what happens instead of trying to capture it so you can throw it on Facebook and show your friends how “close you were to a famous person” but it also robs everyone around you who can’t see anything but a sea of cameras and reasons to break them and punch you with it.

#2 – The loserpissed drinkers: Why come to a show and get loserpissed drunk? Seriously. I mean you can go to a Canad Inn bar any night of the week for free, get so drunk you don’t remember your night – fine. But why pay to attend a concert if you are going to get hammered as shit. Not to mention the ‘pee’ breaks you will ensure yourself with such a decision. I saw a girl that weighed about 80 lbs come to sit a few seats in with her over hair gelled, pink polo shirt – collar popped boyfriend. He had a beer and she had 2 – large. Of course minutes into the concert she is getting up every 5 minutes (I think I counted 11 times in 40 min) to piss. And she keeps apologizing and saying ‘this is the last time I swear’. Did this girl miss grade 10 health class – does she not know the effects of her body weight in beer leading to her blader retaliation? Then there was the Wilco concert I attended, in which I had to sit next to a balcony of loserpissed, no cockbitched college guys. They were SO loud that lead singer, Jeff Tweedy actually addressed them, of course when they were identified immediately yelled out slurs of “we love you Wilco!” to which he replied, “no you fucking don’t, you fucking douchebags are louder than the band – shut the fuck up.” If Jeff Tweedy just called you a douchebag, AND you are louder than the band at a sold out show – it might be time to change your life.

#3 – Girls who get dolled up/wear any sort of heeled footwear to a concert (or football game – ya I saw that it was gross). Are you fucking kidding me ladies? Why do you do this? Ok Michael Buble at the Centennial Concert Hall – ya it’s nice to get dressed up for that sure. But if you are in anything at a punk rock show other than a tshirt, jeans and sneaks. Get a life. First of all if you are getting all ‘done up’ hoping to meet a cute punk rock guy – forget it, wear a skater shirt some ethnies and you will get laid. When you have been standing on cement for plus 3 hours in 5 inch stillettos – you will agree with me on how fucking dumb you are. It’s not worth the pain or the risk of busting an ankle as a mosh breaks out and slams your thonged ass to the ground.  Equally pathetic are the girls who get over the top done up for a Justin Timberlake show. He’s not going to turn the lights on and choose 5 for his midnight orgy. Ain’t gonna happen, so cover up the goods and enjoy the show without the exhaustion of trying to be ‘sexy.’ Be yourself – it’s hotter.

#4- The moshers/crowd surfers: I just never really understood the point of this, seems like you should just get a Blink cd and round up some friends in your basement and start charging eachother, it would save you the $80 bucks of not watching the show in the least. And crowd surfing, when they reach the front and security takes them down – the security guards have this PISSED look on their face, probably because people get hurt by crowd surfers and they are ‘concerned’. But I think – why let people go back into the crowd to do it again and again. If you were removed from a show for crowd surfing – there would be a lot less. I’ve heard about the “Wall of Death” that takes place at Lamb of God concerts – essentially people line up and charge eachother head on – but any injuries that arise are deserved not only for being so stupid but also for liking Lamb of God. I saw an 8 year old kid crowd surf last night about 3 times, then later saw him sobbing to a stranger over losing one of his $200 sneakers his parents bought him from West 49.  Maybe you shouldn’t crowd surf when you are 8.  Also someone was hurt last night, a girl broke her leg, a ‘bigger’ gal who tried to crowd surf and then – no one ‘caught’ her. – Fucking stupid.

#5 – This isn’t really a category but just one guy (see attached photo) Guy who took way too many pictures, with leatherband watch, ‘punk’ clothing, second row at a rock show….in Dolce and Gabbana designer frames. Who are you kidding.

And I feel much better – thank you all for reading. I no longer will have a rage black out over this. Hopefully I’ve made you laugh a little or at least made you feel like you aren’t the only old grump who can’t enjoy a concert anymore.



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